[ There's a moment of silence, a small hitch in Sam's breathing. Similar to what happened in Delacroix, when they just talked. When Bucky apologized. ]
I know.
[ To both statements. A slow, deep breath. The comment hit harder than Sam likes to admit. He can't lose Bucky to that sort of festering resentment between them again. He just can't. ]
Tell me what it's really about.
[ Just room for whatever Bucky's feeling and needing to communicate. Sam needs to know, and not work on assumptions. ]
[He's silent for a while after that. Busy weighing up his options. In person, or not at all. That's what Sam had said. But if he's willing to give him the option to deal with it like this?
Well, he's not about to say no to that.]
I make the worst choice in best friends. That's what.
[Not that he regrets being friends with Sam and Steve. Even with the latter disappearing off in to the past.]
[ It's a compromise. As long as it's not where others can see, where their shit is aired out for anyone on the station to follow along... this isn't as good as in person. But he's willing to meet Bucky halfway. And perhaps it's for the best. He has to lean his head back and blink against wetness for a moment. Best friends, huh? Damnit, he's 40, not 10. This shouldn't hit so sweet. ]
Can't pretend there's never gonna be a risk one of us losing the other. [ Especially now. Especially with the shield on Sam's arm, painted like a target for good reason. ] But I ain't leaving you.
[ No conditions, no limits however generous. Sam says it like a universal truth rather than a promise. ]
The words are on the tip of his tongue. Ready to be aired, but bitten back at the last moment. The only sound that escapes him is a shaky breath as he struggles to find something else to say. Another way to make it clear that Sam is the only one that matters here. Their world needs Captain America, not the Winter Soldier.]
You keep jumping on grenades like that, and you ain't gonna have a choice.
[ Bucky may think that the world needs Captain America, not the Winter Soldier. But the simple truth is that Sam Wilson needs Bucky Barnes. ]
Only in the field, man. I ain't looking to die here for a research exercise. I ain't letting anyone do anything that I can't handle, or block with the shield.
[ He pauses, swallows. Because here's what bugs him about this. ]
I thought you believed in me to carry this shield forwards, Buck. If you don't... if you don't think I can handle something simple like this, then why back that play?
[Because it doesn't matter what people like Sharon think. He doesn't follow Captain America. It's the guy behind it who gets his trust. Gets his loyalty. Sam has more than earned it already.]
I know you can handle yourself. But you can't expect me to sit back and watch you takes risks you don't need to.
[ Some things are easier said in person. Especially after the mission. Especially after the simulation room. So Sam waits for bucky to return. Stays silent for a moment even after Bucky is there, trying to place the right words and why he can't let bucky test the amulet. ]
I wasn't the only Falcon pilot in the Airforce. My partner Riley was shot out of the sky.
[ there. Bare bones as it gets so he can get the words out. Sam wrings his hands. ]
In Yuryeong everyone I saw looked dead or dying. Charred skin, bodies crushed and broken. Like how Riley died. You're the only one I didn't have to see like that.
[ Sam bites the inside of cheek briefly, then looks at Bucky finally. ]
I'll get over it, I've been as over it as I'll get for years now, but for just a little while longer, I need to not see you in relation to anything that could hurt you, because I need my brain to not trip all over itself. Even if I know it's safe and you won't get hurt. That's why I don't want you to take the amulet for the tests. Or anyone else. That's why I need to test the amulet so I know at least one person is gonna be safe and sound next mission, even though it ain't gonna be either of us.
[The silence puts him a little on edge, if he's honest. The fact that Sam isn't saying a word, despite being the one wanting to meet in the first place. He would've been all too happy to keep it to a call. To avoid this face to face conversation. But the moment Sam had brought it up, he'd known that there wasn't any other option. That he was going to come here, whether he wanted to or not.
The eventual break in that silence does come as a relief, and Bucky finds it that little bit easier to breathe again. At least he does, right until the words sink in, and Bucky finds himself at a complete loss for his own.
It explains a lot, really. Explains why Sam was so focused on not looking at him. At not talking to him when they were around one another. Reliving the codewords when somebody spoke to him was difficult, sure. But it's something he's lived with for over eighty years already. Something that still visits him most nights. He's learned to live with the memories of those words though the knowledge that Shuri and Ayo had removed their power. But for Sam-]
I get that. I do. But... Sam, I ain't gonna be around forever. One day, something's gonna take me out.
[Especially with his regret. If all goes to plan, he doesn't have a life waiting for him back home.]
Could be tomorrow. Could be years from now. Whatever happens though, it ain't on you. But something happens with you and the amulet? That's on me for not fighting you hard enough.
[And he's already done that enough times in his life that he can't afford a repeat. If he'd fought harder, then maybe he could've kept Steve out of the army. Maybe he would've never broken. Maybe they wouldn't be in this position right now.]
You don't want to see me take a risk? Fine. But don't think I can just sit there and watch you do it instead.
[ Sam sits on that for a moment. A truth he doesn't want to hear but has to acknowledge anyway. ]
I know. Jesus, Buck, I... I know.
[ Softly - because it's true. He does know it. It's always the people close to him, and never Sam himself. Apollo, bleeding red over the ground below, and watching others die or leave or else be taken away from him.
And he knows it's unfair, too - to expect Bucky to stand aside and watch Sam shoulder all the risk and potential hurt on his own. ]
Can we compromise on this? Let me do some of this shit, and trust me to leave the things I couldn't protect myself from without the amulet to you. 'cause we both know the suit and shield are gonna protect me from a punch and a knife and a bullet if the amulet fails, but I got no clue if they'd hold against... I don't know, magic. So...
[ Sam shifts, crosses his arms and then uncrosses them again, leans forwards to search Bucky's gaze. ]
Can you trust me with a calculated risk if we agree on the non-super soldier limit and I let you take it from there?
I do trust you, Sam. I trust you more than I trust myself.
[Which, sure, that last part probably isn't saying much. Not when Bucky's feelings towards himself haven't ever been particularly high. But he still means it. Still needs Sam to know, to understand, that it has nothing to do with trust. If it was, this'd all be so much simpler to deal with. They wouldn't have built up their friendship, this partnership, without it. They'd be able to follow through on their promise in that police station. Would have been able to go of on their own, separate vacations, and never looked back.
He can't even imagine doing that, now.
To bad that's exactly what he'll be doing if he gets his regret undone.]
The reason I keep trying to stop you is because you're all that I've got left. I lost my family. I lost Steve. [There's a humorless huff of laughter as he adds-] Hell, I lost myself. But you-
[How to put it. How to explain to the guy that without him, there wouldn't be a Bucky Barnes anymore. Six months of therapy with Raynor, and nothing had worked. But those weeks with Sam, that single conversation, and everything finally clicked. Sam has that effect on people, whether he realizes it or not. He attracts others to him by simply being himself. Sam is a good man, and the world needs him in it.]
You've got a family. You've got friends. You've got a whole damn community that loves you, and an entire country that's gonna learn to. [An entire world, really.]
You're gonna change the world, Sam. So I can't just sit back and watch you risk being taken out by something that could've been avoided.
[ For a moment, Sam has to look down. Has to swallow thickly and just let the words settle on his shoulders. It's a lot to hear this, and he has to fight the kneejerk need to shakes his head and deny all of it, because he doesn't feel as special as Bucky makes him sound. Same time, he can't deny the flush it brings to his face, the way something in him feels quiet and pleased and warm at the regard in which Bucky holds him. And in the end, Sam accepts the words - ​part of it is the role he has to fulfill now. He has people looking to him. With that come expectations, whether intentional or not, and obligations. Sam's no longer just flying through the air, free and for himself.
He's a symbol, even while rewriting what that symbol stands for. Symbols are nothing without the women and men who give them meaning. His own words, after all. ]
You forgot yourself in that list of people I got, Buck. You ain't just... you ain't the shield's Plus One, y'know. And stupid jokes aside, you also ain't just Steve's friend I somehow ended up keeping around like the grumpiest stray cat.
[ Sam reaches out, curls a strong hand around Bucky's forearm. Unsure if he needs the touch himself or is offering it to reaffirm his own words to Bucky in some way. ]
You matter to me. You're my best friend, and my family. And... selfishly, you're the one person who's shown up for me when I needed him. The one person I let that close. [ His fingers twitch, but he doesn't pull back from his hold. Sam keeps people at arm's length - he's just really good at seeming like he lets everyone close. But these days, it's just Bucky who gets to come that close without being kept back so gentle it's impossible to notice. ] Only way I can put myself into everyone else's corners and be what everyone needs me to be is knowing I got you in my corner. And I know it's unfair to put you there, because it ain't your job to prop me up. I know I gotta accept that one day I'll look over my shoulder and you ain't gonna be there. I just... Buck, I'm not gonna stop stepping into the ring. But I can promise I know you're in my corner, and I ain't looking to ignore that and go it alone just to get punched out. I trust you with my life.
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no subject
Sure, I got time. Shoot.
[ Bucky's got the floor. ]
no subject
You're not Steve.
[Okay, probably not the best opening. But he can work with it.]
I wasn't comparing you to him.
no subject
I know.
[ To both statements. A slow, deep breath. The comment hit harder than Sam likes to admit. He can't lose Bucky to that sort of festering resentment between them again. He just can't. ]
Tell me what it's really about.
[ Just room for whatever Bucky's feeling and needing to communicate. Sam needs to know, and not work on assumptions. ]
no subject
Well, he's not about to say no to that.]
I make the worst choice in best friends. That's what.
[Not that he regrets being friends with Sam and Steve. Even with the latter disappearing off in to the past.]
no subject
Can't pretend there's never gonna be a risk one of us losing the other. [ Especially now. Especially with the shield on Sam's arm, painted like a target for good reason. ] But I ain't leaving you.
[ No conditions, no limits however generous. Sam says it like a universal truth rather than a promise. ]
no subject
The words are on the tip of his tongue. Ready to be aired, but bitten back at the last moment. The only sound that escapes him is a shaky breath as he struggles to find something else to say. Another way to make it clear that Sam is the only one that matters here. Their world needs Captain America, not the Winter Soldier.]
You keep jumping on grenades like that, and you ain't gonna have a choice.
no subject
Only in the field, man. I ain't looking to die here for a research exercise. I ain't letting anyone do anything that I can't handle, or block with the shield.
[ He pauses, swallows. Because here's what bugs him about this. ]
I thought you believed in me to carry this shield forwards, Buck. If you don't... if you don't think I can handle something simple like this, then why back that play?
no subject
[Because it doesn't matter what people like Sharon think. He doesn't follow Captain America. It's the guy behind it who gets his trust. Gets his loyalty. Sam has more than earned it already.]
I know you can handle yourself. But you can't expect me to sit back and watch you takes risks you don't need to.
no subject
[ He has to put his head in his hands for a moment, emotion closing his throat up tight. ]
I can't... I.
[ Sam has to take a moment to breathe. To remind himself that hearing Bucky means he's fine, but it's not enough. ]
Can I see you? Please.
no subject
I'm heading back to the room.
[Because he at least owes Sam that much.]
Audio ---> action
I wasn't the only Falcon pilot in the Airforce. My partner Riley was shot out of the sky.
[ there. Bare bones as it gets so he can get the words out. Sam wrings his hands. ]
In Yuryeong everyone I saw looked dead or dying. Charred skin, bodies crushed and broken. Like how Riley died. You're the only one I didn't have to see like that.
[ Sam bites the inside of cheek briefly, then looks at Bucky finally. ]
I'll get over it, I've been as over it as I'll get for years now, but for just a little while longer, I need to not see you in relation to anything that could hurt you, because I need my brain to not trip all over itself. Even if I know it's safe and you won't get hurt. That's why I don't want you to take the amulet for the tests. Or anyone else. That's why I need to test the amulet so I know at least one person is gonna be safe and sound next mission, even though it ain't gonna be either of us.
no subject
The eventual break in that silence does come as a relief, and Bucky finds it that little bit easier to breathe again. At least he does, right until the words sink in, and Bucky finds himself at a complete loss for his own.
It explains a lot, really. Explains why Sam was so focused on not looking at him. At not talking to him when they were around one another. Reliving the codewords when somebody spoke to him was difficult, sure. But it's something he's lived with for over eighty years already. Something that still visits him most nights. He's learned to live with the memories of those words though the knowledge that Shuri and Ayo had removed their power. But for Sam-]
I get that. I do. But... Sam, I ain't gonna be around forever. One day, something's gonna take me out.
[Especially with his regret. If all goes to plan, he doesn't have a life waiting for him back home.]
Could be tomorrow. Could be years from now. Whatever happens though, it ain't on you. But something happens with you and the amulet? That's on me for not fighting you hard enough.
[And he's already done that enough times in his life that he can't afford a repeat. If he'd fought harder, then maybe he could've kept Steve out of the army. Maybe he would've never broken. Maybe they wouldn't be in this position right now.]
You don't want to see me take a risk? Fine. But don't think I can just sit there and watch you do it instead.
no subject
I know. Jesus, Buck, I... I know.
[ Softly - because it's true. He does know it. It's always the people close to him, and never Sam himself. Apollo, bleeding red over the ground below, and watching others die or leave or else be taken away from him.
And he knows it's unfair, too - to expect Bucky to stand aside and watch Sam shoulder all the risk and potential hurt on his own. ]
Can we compromise on this? Let me do some of this shit, and trust me to leave the things I couldn't protect myself from without the amulet to you. 'cause we both know the suit and shield are gonna protect me from a punch and a knife and a bullet if the amulet fails, but I got no clue if they'd hold against... I don't know, magic. So...
[ Sam shifts, crosses his arms and then uncrosses them again, leans forwards to search Bucky's gaze. ]
Can you trust me with a calculated risk if we agree on the non-super soldier limit and I let you take it from there?
no subject
[Which, sure, that last part probably isn't saying much. Not when Bucky's feelings towards himself haven't ever been particularly high. But he still means it. Still needs Sam to know, to understand, that it has nothing to do with trust. If it was, this'd all be so much simpler to deal with. They wouldn't have built up their friendship, this partnership, without it. They'd be able to follow through on their promise in that police station. Would have been able to go of on their own, separate vacations, and never looked back.
He can't even imagine doing that, now.
To bad that's exactly what he'll be doing if he gets his regret undone.]
The reason I keep trying to stop you is because you're all that I've got left. I lost my family. I lost Steve. [There's a humorless huff of laughter as he adds-] Hell, I lost myself. But you-
[How to put it. How to explain to the guy that without him, there wouldn't be a Bucky Barnes anymore. Six months of therapy with Raynor, and nothing had worked. But those weeks with Sam, that single conversation, and everything finally clicked. Sam has that effect on people, whether he realizes it or not. He attracts others to him by simply being himself. Sam is a good man, and the world needs him in it.]
You've got a family. You've got friends. You've got a whole damn community that loves you, and an entire country that's gonna learn to. [An entire world, really.]
You're gonna change the world, Sam. So I can't just sit back and watch you risk being taken out by something that could've been avoided.
no subject
He's a symbol, even while rewriting what that symbol stands for. Symbols are nothing without the women and men who give them meaning. His own words, after all. ]
You forgot yourself in that list of people I got, Buck. You ain't just... you ain't the shield's Plus One, y'know. And stupid jokes aside, you also ain't just Steve's friend I somehow ended up keeping around like the grumpiest stray cat.
[ Sam reaches out, curls a strong hand around Bucky's forearm. Unsure if he needs the touch himself or is offering it to reaffirm his own words to Bucky in some way. ]
You matter to me. You're my best friend, and my family. And... selfishly, you're the one person who's shown up for me when I needed him. The one person I let that close. [ His fingers twitch, but he doesn't pull back from his hold. Sam keeps people at arm's length - he's just really good at seeming like he lets everyone close. But these days, it's just Bucky who gets to come that close without being kept back so gentle it's impossible to notice. ] Only way I can put myself into everyone else's corners and be what everyone needs me to be is knowing I got you in my corner. And I know it's unfair to put you there, because it ain't your job to prop me up. I know I gotta accept that one day I'll look over my shoulder and you ain't gonna be there. I just... Buck, I'm not gonna stop stepping into the ring. But I can promise I know you're in my corner, and I ain't looking to ignore that and go it alone just to get punched out. I trust you with my life.