[ And ain't that just the sweetest, most painful burden to bear. ]
in the understanding that it's for the damn highest degree of emergency and only to ensure you're not subject to someone else's will
[ He doesn't reiterate that he doesn't want to make Bucky do anything. That goes without saying. This is a safety net. And his own discomfort at the very idea cannot trump making things feel safer for Bucky. ]
and on the condition you teach me something sweet to say, too.
[ It's a good idea. They can engage the lock and be without disturbances. Sam still doesn't exactly like this but... what choice do they have, really. It's not like he disagrees with the notion that having someone able to wrestle control to them would be good.
And still it's not knowledge Sam ever wanted. And in any other situation, it's knowledge he would actively refuse to gain, even. But they know the orbs will force Bucky, and if the only way to bring him back from that is to corrupt himself into that position... then how could Sam say no. The thought makes him sick. But what choice do they have, really? ]
This is the one time I'll forgive you for not looking ecstatically happy to see me.
[ It's a joke, because that's what Sam does - keep it light. Push his feelings back so he can show up and do what must. ]
[While his usual choice for somewhere to relax would be a simulation of Delacroix, the idea of him sullying that memory with anything to do with the words doesn't sit well with him. Not when he knows they both use that dock as a means of escape.
So instead, when Sam enters the room, it's to a dark landscape. To a tree lined hill, and a crackling fire. It's to a Wakandan sky, and the cooler night air. It's home, however borrowed it might be. But it's the only place that the words have ever been said without malice. A reminder, however unnecessary, that it's a trend that won't be changing.]
Always gonna be happy to see you, sweetheart.
[An attempt at following suit. But there's a tightness to his voice that's never usually there when he deals with Sam these days.]
[ Sweetheart immediately makes Sam drop his eyes away from the sky above them to instead tuck a bashful smile towards the ground. It still always gets him, and he doesn't hide that from Bucky.
He doesn't find the same comfort here - the last time he'd been on Wakandan soil, Sam had died and come back to almost nothing but loss and grief. He hopes to be back one day to make better memories here. Hopes to be back one day with Bucky.
In the meantime, he's glad there's a comfort to be found here for this of all things.
And speaking of the task at hand... Sam steps closer. Curls a hand around Bucky's shoulder and holds his eyes. ]
[When he leans in, it isn't for a kiss. Not this time. Instead, it's so he can press their foreheads together. So he can slip an arm loosely around Sam's waist and let his eyes drift closed. So he can enjoy the brief reprieve they have before they finally get down to business.
This isn't like the last time he was here. He doesn't have Ayo standing watch over him. Doesn't have Shuri's deprogramming to work with. They aren't here to test that the words have lost their power. He won't hear that final affirmation again that he's free.
If all goes to plan, then Bucky won't be here at the end of this. Not once Sam's finally able to make it through all ten words.]
[ He reaches up, runs his hand along Bucky's jaw and cups his face. Keeps it light and soft, because they both know where this is headed, and it scares him. ]
Can we stop, once we start?
[ This he's gotta know. He fears it won't be an option, but he needs the confirmation either way so he knows for sure. And as importantly... ]
And once you're... what happens, then?
[ How long does it last, what does Sam need to do, can he cancel it, how does Bucky need him to act? Sam needs guidance on that. Needs to be able to make this safe for both of them, lest they hurt themselves on this project. ]
[Though he has no idea how it'll affect him. He remembers the way it feels when the words are being said. Remembers the panic that sets in. The pain in his chest that comes with all sense of control and autonomy being torn from him. It's a feeling he doesn't want to associate with Sam in any way. A sentiment that he wants to keep far from their relationship.
But as long as they're both on this station and the words remain active, there really is no other option. No other person here he could trust to use them the right way.]
When I- [He lets out a breath, before he straightens back up again. Before he cuts off contact again. Albeit with an apologetic look on his face at the action. But he needs to distance himself for this. Needs to take the time to warn Sam, however much he can.]
Once you've said the words, you'll be the only one I'll listen to. Won't do anything without you telling me to do it first. If you try to call me Bucky, or James, it's just gonna confuse me.
[Though that's also what he knows he'll need. He just can't risk Sam getting hurt further in the process.]
Take me to one of the empty rooms and lock me in. If you can't talk me down from outside, then I need you to knock me out.
[ Sam doesn't take the distance to heart - it's painful but necessary. That much he understands.
He takes a slow, shuddering breath as Bucky talks. Explains how this has to happen - how this will happen. Sam's fingertips feel numb. He thinks, for a moment that he can hear thunder rumbling in the distance, like an oncoming storm. Like a breeze about to pick up and scatter him to ash and dust.
But that doesn't matter right now.
That's not important right now. ]
I know you trust but. But I need you to hear this anyway.
[ Steadfast. he can be that for others, always. He's used to being that for others. ]
This is in your control. Once you... [ He swallows. ] Once you're under, nothing is happening that you haven't explicitly told me to do beforehand. For this situation here on board the station, that needs to be the framwork. And I know that don't make anything better for you. And I need you to know that if you can't look at me right away after that's alright. But I need you to hear me on this. You make the choices. You have the control... even if you give it to be temporarily.
[ It makes his skin crawl. The very thought of it. But for Bucky's safety. For all their safety. What Sam wants can't matter as much as what Bucky needs. ]
[Despite the seriousness of the situation, Bucky can't help but smile in response to Sam's words, however slight it might be. He trusts the man more than he trusts himself. Knows that, no matter what happens, Sam will make the right choices when the time comes. No matter how difficult they might be. Yet here he is regardless, trying to ease Bucky's worries. Because that's just the kind of person Sam is. The kind of hero.]
Only think I need you to do is make sure I don't hurt anyone. If that means you tell me to go sit in a corner all week, fine. That means you need to knock me out, do it. But whatever you ask me to do, I ain't holding any of this against you.
[Because he needs Sam to understand that. To believe it. Even if he does need to walk off and take some time to himself after, it won't have anything to do with Sam himself, and everything to do with the people who did this to him in the first place. Everything that Sam's doing now, that he's willing to take part in, is to help. Not to hurt.
Which is why, a moment later, Bucky reaches up to pull his dogtags out. Why he doesn't hesitate to take them off and hand them over to Sam instead. One of the few pieces of his past that he still clings to, being held on to by the only person in his future that he needs.]
[ Sam's dog tags are somewhere in the desert in Afghanistan. He'd never found Riley's, so he'd left his own behind as well. Unable to hold onto anything that might have remained of the one he once thought he'd marry, he now doesn't hesitate to reach for the man he intends to spend his life with, accepting the dog tags with a small nod. Hesitates only briefly before he slips them around his own neck, lets them sink under his shirt where they can sit on his skin. Safe. For Bucky to reclaim when he's ready. ]
Counting on it.
[ Sam takes a breath. Feels it burn in his lung for a moment before he exhales slowly. ]
I'll understand English after, so you don't need to worry about that part. It's just those ten words that- They've gotta be in Russian.
[He turns quiet then, his gaze shifting away for the time being. Back to the fire, the landscape. To the ridges where he knows the lights of the city would shine through if they took a brief walk west. It's only with his back to Sam that he finally breaks the silence. That he mutters a quiet word. Pauses. Clears his throat and tries again.]
Zhelaniye. Semnadtsatʹ. Rzhavyy.
[Only three words in, and he's already feeling queasy. He may not be capable of triggering himself. But he knows what's about to come. Knows that the feeling of dread, of pure terror will be setting in the moment that Sam starts to repeat those words back to him. But more importantly, he also knows that he needs to bite it back. To put a lid on it. Because Sam needs to know this. And he can't learn if Bucky's too busy cowering away from what needs to happen.]
[ It's when Bucky's back is turned that Sam nearly loses composure. That he stares at those shoulders, so familiar, and accepts the loaded gun Bucky's proverbially pressing into his hands. He sees the necessity. He knows exactly why Bucky's asking this of him.
It doesn't mean it's not breaking Sam. And for a moment his entire vision blurs as his eyes swim with tears he's struggling not to shed. Just like it was when Rhodey left the Smithsonian. Just like it was when he sat alone with Steve's bloodied shield - before it became Sam's shield, really and truly. Sam feels that pain and swallows it down.
Hopes that Bucky will forgive him.
Isn't sure he'll ever forgive himself.
And so he repeats, keeping the pain out of his voice. Makes himself sure and steadfast. Hopes that this is the only time he will ever have to inflict this upon Bucky, and isn't even sure they can both recover from even just once. ]
[He's trying. He really is. But when the first word slips out of Sam's mouth, he can't help the flinch that accompanies it. Can't help the way his breathing picks up immediately. A reaction to knowing just what will follow.
Sam won't use him. Won't force him to hurt somebody. To kill. The only orders that will come are the exact ones that they've already discussed. Ones to keep him away from others. And that-
That's what he fights to focus on. It's the one thought that keeps running through his mind. He trusts Sam completely. And this right here is only an extension of that trust.]
[His eyes are squeezed shut, hands curled in to fists as he fights to keep himself stood exactly where he is. As he forces himself not to turn tail and run straight out of there. He knows that Sam wouldn't stop him. Wouldn't look down on him for it. But he also knows that this needs to happen. There can't be another repeat of Scorpion's Bend.]
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text. un: barnes.
no subject
what's up?
[ yeah, Bucky. Sam agrees without knowing what's up. Do you realize your power yet? ]
no subject
Okay. Here's goes-]
need to teach you some russian
no subject
we got the tranq darts
[ you don't have to give those words to me. ]
no subject
but that won't work if we need to move
you're the only person i trust with them
no subject
in the understanding that it's for the damn highest degree of emergency and only to ensure you're not subject to someone else's will
[ He doesn't reiterate that he doesn't want to make Bucky do anything. That goes without saying. This is a safety net. And his own discomfort at the very idea cannot trump making things feel safer for Bucky. ]
and on the condition you teach me something sweet to say, too.
no subject
that'll make things worse
[Another pause, and he adds-]
i know i'm asking for a lot from you
i'm sorry
no subject
Sam has to think of McCoy though. Of Kirk, gone. A husband lost. The time they have here is all the time they have. ]
you don't just pick the easy parts when you choose a person. ain't how that works.
[ A delay. ]
you know I won't remember them after, right. back home.
no subject
[Because regardless of what happened with Zemo, he knows that Shuri wouldn't risk letting him wander around with the words still active.]
i'm going to find a way to remember all this sam
ain't going back unless i do
no subject
I appreciate the sentiment buck
but let's not get ahead of ourselves
be honest, how's it gonna make you feel? doing this with me. what's gonna help you after?
no subject
i don't know
[Which is about as honest of an answer as he can give right now.]
might need space
or i might need you to stick around
won't know till it's done
no subject
[ He means it.
And quietly tucks a different set of words away that had been circling in his mind for a while now.
Decidedly not the right time. Not the association he wants with them, either. ]
let me know when you're ready. I'll be there.
no subject
the simulation room in an hour
[Well, semi-present.]
no subject
And still it's not knowledge Sam ever wanted. And in any other situation, it's knowledge he would actively refuse to gain, even. But they know the orbs will force Bucky, and if the only way to bring him back from that is to corrupt himself into that position... then how could Sam say no. The thought makes him sick. But what choice do they have, really? ]
This is the one time I'll forgive you for not looking ecstatically happy to see me.
[ It's a joke, because that's what Sam does - keep it light. Push his feelings back so he can show up and do what must. ]
no subject
So instead, when Sam enters the room, it's to a dark landscape. To a tree lined hill, and a crackling fire. It's to a Wakandan sky, and the cooler night air. It's home, however borrowed it might be. But it's the only place that the words have ever been said without malice. A reminder, however unnecessary, that it's a trend that won't be changing.]
Always gonna be happy to see you, sweetheart.
[An attempt at following suit. But there's a tightness to his voice that's never usually there when he deals with Sam these days.]
no subject
He doesn't find the same comfort here - the last time he'd been on Wakandan soil, Sam had died and come back to almost nothing but loss and grief. He hopes to be back one day to make better memories here. Hopes to be back one day with Bucky.
In the meantime, he's glad there's a comfort to be found here for this of all things.
And speaking of the task at hand... Sam steps closer. Curls a hand around Bucky's shoulder and holds his eyes. ]
I'm with you.
[ Without limitations. ]
no subject
This isn't like the last time he was here. He doesn't have Ayo standing watch over him. Doesn't have Shuri's deprogramming to work with. They aren't here to test that the words have lost their power. He won't hear that final affirmation again that he's free.
If all goes to plan, then Bucky won't be here at the end of this. Not once Sam's finally able to make it through all ten words.]
You don't have to do this if you don't want to.
[Because he knows he's asking for a lot here.]
no subject
[ He reaches up, runs his hand along Bucky's jaw and cups his face. Keeps it light and soft, because they both know where this is headed, and it scares him. ]
Can we stop, once we start?
[ This he's gotta know. He fears it won't be an option, but he needs the confirmation either way so he knows for sure. And as importantly... ]
And once you're... what happens, then?
[ How long does it last, what does Sam need to do, can he cancel it, how does Bucky need him to act? Sam needs guidance on that. Needs to be able to make this safe for both of them, lest they hurt themselves on this project. ]
no subject
[Though he has no idea how it'll affect him. He remembers the way it feels when the words are being said. Remembers the panic that sets in. The pain in his chest that comes with all sense of control and autonomy being torn from him. It's a feeling he doesn't want to associate with Sam in any way. A sentiment that he wants to keep far from their relationship.
But as long as they're both on this station and the words remain active, there really is no other option. No other person here he could trust to use them the right way.]
When I- [He lets out a breath, before he straightens back up again. Before he cuts off contact again. Albeit with an apologetic look on his face at the action. But he needs to distance himself for this. Needs to take the time to warn Sam, however much he can.]
Once you've said the words, you'll be the only one I'll listen to. Won't do anything without you telling me to do it first. If you try to call me Bucky, or James, it's just gonna confuse me.
[Though that's also what he knows he'll need. He just can't risk Sam getting hurt further in the process.]
Take me to one of the empty rooms and lock me in. If you can't talk me down from outside, then I need you to knock me out.
no subject
He takes a slow, shuddering breath as Bucky talks. Explains how this has to happen - how this will happen. Sam's fingertips feel numb. He thinks, for a moment that he can hear thunder rumbling in the distance, like an oncoming storm. Like a breeze about to pick up and scatter him to ash and dust.
But that doesn't matter right now.
That's not important right now. ]
I know you trust but. But I need you to hear this anyway.
[ Steadfast. he can be that for others, always. He's used to being that for others. ]
This is in your control. Once you... [ He swallows. ] Once you're under, nothing is happening that you haven't explicitly told me to do beforehand. For this situation here on board the station, that needs to be the framwork. And I know that don't make anything better for you. And I need you to know that if you can't look at me right away after that's alright. But I need you to hear me on this. You make the choices. You have the control... even if you give it to be temporarily.
[ It makes his skin crawl. The very thought of it. But for Bucky's safety. For all their safety. What Sam wants can't matter as much as what Bucky needs. ]
no subject
Only think I need you to do is make sure I don't hurt anyone. If that means you tell me to go sit in a corner all week, fine. That means you need to knock me out, do it. But whatever you ask me to do, I ain't holding any of this against you.
[Because he needs Sam to understand that. To believe it. Even if he does need to walk off and take some time to himself after, it won't have anything to do with Sam himself, and everything to do with the people who did this to him in the first place. Everything that Sam's doing now, that he's willing to take part in, is to help. Not to hurt.
Which is why, a moment later, Bucky reaches up to pull his dogtags out. Why he doesn't hesitate to take them off and hand them over to Sam instead. One of the few pieces of his past that he still clings to, being held on to by the only person in his future that he needs.]
I'll be back for those.
[However long it takes.]
no subject
Counting on it.
[ Sam takes a breath. Feels it burn in his lung for a moment before he exhales slowly. ]
Alright. When you're ready.
no subject
[He turns quiet then, his gaze shifting away for the time being. Back to the fire, the landscape. To the ridges where he knows the lights of the city would shine through if they took a brief walk west. It's only with his back to Sam that he finally breaks the silence. That he mutters a quiet word. Pauses. Clears his throat and tries again.]
Zhelaniye. Semnadtsatʹ. Rzhavyy.
[Only three words in, and he's already feeling queasy. He may not be capable of triggering himself. But he knows what's about to come. Knows that the feeling of dread, of pure terror will be setting in the moment that Sam starts to repeat those words back to him. But more importantly, he also knows that he needs to bite it back. To put a lid on it. Because Sam needs to know this. And he can't learn if Bucky's too busy cowering away from what needs to happen.]
no subject
It doesn't mean it's not breaking Sam. And for a moment his entire vision blurs as his eyes swim with tears he's struggling not to shed. Just like it was when Rhodey left the Smithsonian. Just like it was when he sat alone with Steve's bloodied shield - before it became Sam's shield, really and truly. Sam feels that pain and swallows it down.
Hopes that Bucky will forgive him.
Isn't sure he'll ever forgive himself.
And so he repeats, keeping the pain out of his voice. Makes himself sure and steadfast. Hopes that this is the only time he will ever have to inflict this upon Bucky, and isn't even sure they can both recover from even just once. ]
Zhelaniye.
Semnadtsatʹ.
Rzhavyy.
no subject
Sam won't use him. Won't force him to hurt somebody. To kill. The only orders that will come are the exact ones that they've already discussed. Ones to keep him away from others. And that-
That's what he fights to focus on. It's the one thought that keeps running through his mind. He trusts Sam completely. And this right here is only an extension of that trust.]
Rass- Rassvet. Pechʹ. Devyatʹ. Dobrokachestvennyy.
[His eyes are squeezed shut, hands curled in to fists as he fights to keep himself stood exactly where he is. As he forces himself not to turn tail and run straight out of there. He knows that Sam wouldn't stop him. Wouldn't look down on him for it. But he also knows that this needs to happen. There can't be another repeat of Scorpion's Bend.]