Steve's not hurting himself, Steve's just hurting.
You can do the math on how many lives are saved by the loss of others. You can tell someone you need them to go, very likely, die so you can prevent greater losses. You can watch your best friend plunge to their (supposed) death off the side of a moving train, feel your world stop and your heartbreak and still hold on with everything you've got, because there are other people who need you and the war isn't over. You can even give up your own life, and everyone you've known and loved and every hope of the future, to take a terrible weapon down with you.
Steve's done all of it, and in the case of the first two, he's done a lot of them.
What he knows, down to his bones is what you can't do is value one life more than another, or trade one for another.
In his mind, Nat and Tony are gone. Sam and Bucky are alive again. They didn't die to bring those two specific people back. They died for an entire world of people.
He's hurting, but he's not... replacing Nat with Sam, or causing himself more pain. He's shifting gears, trying to adapt and trying to find a way to just keep breathing in a man he loves, and has loved as surely as he has mourned his loss. Relief and gratitude, loss and pain can and do co-exist in this.
He finishes taking off his boots, leaving them neatly by the door and moves over to Sam. He settles behind him, wraps one arm around Sam's waist and kisses him, but this time on the temple.
"I know. We're both here." For however long. Neither one of them is the fuck okay, because he reads between lines and can fill in the gaps, too. "And the whales are going to be mad about it."
Sam's not a frail or delicate man. He's tall, though Steve's taller, and he's muscular. Still, there's something about having Steve hold him like this that makes him feel so precious. It's so tender it makes Sam want to shatter apart. He's gone so long without being something precious to someone else that for a second, he doesn't quite know what to do with it. So for a moment, he just breathes. Just enjoys being held for a moment, enjoys the novelty of that before he turns his head, brings their lips together sweetly.
The comment about the whales earns Steve a chuckle. Sam has no context on that line, but he has no context on much right now. It's amusing regardless, and he thinks he can understand the sentiment anyway.
"We tend to have that effect."
And they do. Defying authority, getting shot at, punching bad guys, maybe getting arresteda little bit... that's just a hobby at this point.
Maybe it's been foreplay all along.
"I'm sorry I didn't realize where we were heading." In regards to their hearts and their desires. "Proves me right, of course. I do what you do, just slower." It's a mild tease, not fully a joke. "Tell me what you want tonight. Tell me what you need."
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no subject
You can do the math on how many lives are saved by the loss of others. You can tell someone you need them to go, very likely, die so you can prevent greater losses. You can watch your best friend plunge to their (supposed) death off the side of a moving train, feel your world stop and your heartbreak and still hold on with everything you've got, because there are other people who need you and the war isn't over. You can even give up your own life, and everyone you've known and loved and every hope of the future, to take a terrible weapon down with you.
Steve's done all of it, and in the case of the first two, he's done a lot of them.
What he knows, down to his bones is what you can't do is value one life more than another, or trade one for another.
In his mind, Nat and Tony are gone. Sam and Bucky are alive again. They didn't die to bring those two specific people back. They died for an entire world of people.
He's hurting, but he's not... replacing Nat with Sam, or causing himself more pain. He's shifting gears, trying to adapt and trying to find a way to just keep breathing in a man he loves, and has loved as surely as he has mourned his loss. Relief and gratitude, loss and pain can and do co-exist in this.
He finishes taking off his boots, leaving them neatly by the door and moves over to Sam. He settles behind him, wraps one arm around Sam's waist and kisses him, but this time on the temple.
"I know. We're both here." For however long. Neither one of them is the fuck okay, because he reads between lines and can fill in the gaps, too. "And the whales are going to be mad about it."
no subject
The comment about the whales earns Steve a chuckle. Sam has no context on that line, but he has no context on much right now. It's amusing regardless, and he thinks he can understand the sentiment anyway.
"We tend to have that effect."
And they do. Defying authority, getting shot at, punching bad guys, maybe getting arresteda little bit... that's just a hobby at this point.
Maybe it's been foreplay all along.
"I'm sorry I didn't realize where we were heading." In regards to their hearts and their desires. "Proves me right, of course. I do what you do, just slower." It's a mild tease, not fully a joke. "Tell me what you want tonight. Tell me what you need."