[ Sam's face is tucked against Steve's neck, soft puffs off breath over this pulse. He can feel Steve breathe him in, and it makes his chest feel tight and warm. ]
You can hold on a little tighter, if you'd like.
[ Sam stops himself, swallows. Then adds, a little more quietly: ]
I think... I'd like that.
[ And maybe, just maybe, after saying that, he tucks himself a little closer, too. Lets Steve hold him more - allows himself to be fully held, too.
He's alive. And so is Steve, no longer a lone figure facing an army. The scariest thing Sam's seen in a long time, other than his own body crumbling away, and Riley falling. ]
[ Sam doesn't have to say anything else. He tightens his hold on him making sure Sam is well pressed against him. He even tries to tangle their legs together under the blankets to make sure Sam feels like he's safe and secure.
Of course Steve went to face Thanos alone. He had to. It's what he does. He'll probably have to do it again in the future. The future they're not going to think about tonight.
There is just them and right now and that's it. That's all that matters in the world right now. ]
[ Sam would be a hypocrite to wish Steve wouldn't do things like that - especially when Sam knows damn wall he'd do the same, come hell or high water. It's a little scary to know they're both like that - and yet it's comforting, too. Feels like flying with a wingman again, even if Steve doesn't have wings.
They lie curled together for a long time, forgetting the world outside. Sam can't erase five years of grief in one night, but he can make sure Steve gets to drink his fill of holding Sam tight, of hopefully feeling like nothing and nobody can take Sam away from Steve again.
For the longest time, they just breathe and rest, soaking up each other in this space. Sam suspects sleep isn't close for either of them - he's exhausted, but he doesn't want to drift away right now, not fully. Wants to keep existing in this moment rather than dozing off. And after a long time, once everything is dark and quiet outside, long past the time where anyone else is even still awake, Sam softly asks: ]
Two of my best friends are dead. The whole world needs to be put back together. I'm... I'm tired.
[ Steve's been holding himself together for five years. He's carried the guilt, the blame, and anger at Thanos for five years. He's so damn tired. ]
Everything feels heavier. [ He's carried so much for years and now he's really feeling the weight of it. How do you let down the world so much and then ask to stop? Steve doesn't know but he really wants to stop. Let someone else handle it all for awhile. ]
[ Sam blinks a few times, hard. Ends up having to turn his head a little to make sure the tears don't spill. He was never that close to Tony, but they were, for what it's worth, team mates. Natasha, on the other hand... that one hurts. Hurts worse, in a way, because from what Sam's gathered it happened to bring everyone back, but before they were. For him, it's been less then 24 hours since Natasha had made them all coffee in a shitty safe house before they took the quinjet, 'cause Wanda had missed her check-in window...
But they were both closer still to Steve, and Steve carries five years on top of all of that. It doesn't make Sam's grief feel wrong, but it means he can't begin to fathom how this must be sitting on Steve's shoulders right now. Shit, Sam would bet anything that Steve has has blamed himself and then some for losing half the universe. And there's no way to tell Steve not to shoulder it, because damnit, Sam would put it on his own shoulders if the roles were reversed, too. ]
Ain't gonna let you carry it alone. [ Sam slides a hand into Steve's hair and gently brings his face closer, forehead to forehead. ] After the Raft, you made sure I took it easy. Let me do the same for you.
[ No one person can carry this. No one person can fix it all either. It's going to take everyone that's left to put the world back to right. ]
This helps. Having you back. I can't... I missed you so much. I feel better having you back. [ It's like having Bucky back in a way. A piece of himself was gone when Sam went away and now he's back. That part that keeps him steady and focused. The part that makes him laugh and smile. ] I can keep going as long as you're with me.
I know it ain't on me to be sorry or anything, but... I'm still sorry. That you had to grieve me.
[ him, and bucky once more, and half the universe on top. It's unimaginable. And Sam will do what he can to ensure the weight on Steve's shoulders becomes lighter now. As light as Sam can possibly make it for him. ]
[ Steve really thinks maybe if he hadn't caused the Avengers to split they could've done something, they could've stopped Thanos. But he'll never know for sure because that's not what happened. ]
You're right. But neither were you, and I know you still suffered.
[ Many ifs, buts and maybes contributed to where things fell. Sam doesn't like playing blame games with the past about complicated situations that no one person is solely responsible for. He also knows that Steve will still put it on his own shoulders regardless.
Sam leans in, pressing a sweet kiss to Steve's lips. Wishes he wasn't among the losses Steve had to shoulder and mourn. ]
[ Steve doesn't want to argue. He doesn't. Which is why he doesn't point out how it is partially his fault. All the ways he's had five years to think about how he screwed up. What he could've done differently in the past to avoid this.
It's nice of Sam to say that because that's what he does. Sam offers comfort and reason. He's a good man like that. Now's not the time.
He kisses him back instead of saying anything. Best to let actions speak instead of words. He has Sam back, that's more important than his past mistakes. ]
[ No arguing is a good plan. Sam doesn't want that. He just wants to make sure Steve hears things that are true, even if he can't believe them now - or maybe ever.
For a while, this is all they do. Soft kisses in the dark, unhurried and sweet. Sam's in no rush, but he whispers against Steve's lips: ]
Steve... do you want to come closer?
[ They're already chest to chest and in each other's arms. Only way way to get closer from there. ]
[ Oh God, Steve feels stupid. He's blushing a little. Of course that's what Sam meant. That makes so much sense now. How did he ever get this man to think he's worth all the trouble he put him through? ]
Um, do we have what we need for that? [ Because while he's never done it, Steve was in the Army. He heard things. And he's not stupid. The logistics are easy enough to figure out. ]
Have you ever thought about it? About what you might like to do, or have done to you?
[ No wrong answers, and Sam's hand is moving in slow, steady strokes up and down Steve's chest and sides before dipping lower. Sam keeps his eyes on Steve's face. ]
Not really. Not recently. [ Steve's spent five years not thinking about anything besides getting through one day at a time. He definitely wasn't thinking about something like this. Not since he lost Sam. ]
You can touch me. [ Steve leans in and steals a kiss before he lays back and kicks the blankets down. He offers up his own body for Sam to explore however he wants. ] Whatever you want, Sam.
[ Sam nods, gentle smile on his feature deepening as Steve displays himself for Sam to touch and enjoy. It's as endearing as it's arousing. After taking a moment to drink in the sights laid bare to him, Sam peels the robe off, drops it off the side of the bed so that Steve can enjoy looking at him, too. Sam stretches out beside him, comfortable and looking calm even though his heart is racing. This might not be uncharted territory for him, but Sam doesn't indulge often. His body follows his heart, so casual sex had never been his preference. His hand rests on Steve's face, then drifts lower as they kiss. Sam deepens the kiss this time, leading gently and without haste, while his hand begins an unhurried exploration of Steve's shoulders, his chest. And after a while, Sam begins trailing kisses away from Steve's lips, down his jaw and his neck. ]
I want to make you feel good. You can tell me what feels nice and what doesn't as you feel it, yeah?
[ his touch leads his kisses then. Neck and shoulders. Clavicle. The valley between strong pecs, the hardening nipples. Slow and without hurry, giving Steve plenty of time to feel and enjoy. And giving him time to learn what he could do to sam in turn, once they get there. Sam looks up at him, brown eyes dark as his hands lead the way further down, followed by his mouth, trailing slowly down Steve's abs. ]
I don't think there's much you can do that won't feel good.
[ Sam's hands are broad and they're rough with a few callouses from holding the wings. They feel different from anyone who's ever touched him before. He turns into each touch, each press of Sam's lips against his body.
Yeah, he's a little nervous but that's not a bad thing. There's more eagerness, more need that he feels. He wants Sam just as much as Sam wants him and who gives a damn if maybe he'll fumble when it's his turn to explore Sam's body?
He pets his hand across Sam's shoulders as the man gets lower and lower, harder to touch but Steve's not going to stop him when he's got a pretty good idea of where he's going and why. ]
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no subject
You can hold on a little tighter, if you'd like.
[ Sam stops himself, swallows. Then adds, a little more quietly: ]
I think... I'd like that.
[ And maybe, just maybe, after saying that, he tucks himself a little closer, too. Lets Steve hold him more - allows himself to be fully held, too.
He's alive. And so is Steve, no longer a lone figure facing an army. The scariest thing Sam's seen in a long time, other than his own body crumbling away, and Riley falling. ]
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Of course Steve went to face Thanos alone. He had to. It's what he does. He'll probably have to do it again in the future. The future they're not going to think about tonight.
There is just them and right now and that's it. That's all that matters in the world right now. ]
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They lie curled together for a long time, forgetting the world outside. Sam can't erase five years of grief in one night, but he can make sure Steve gets to drink his fill of holding Sam tight, of hopefully feeling like nothing and nobody can take Sam away from Steve again.
For the longest time, they just breathe and rest, soaking up each other in this space. Sam suspects sleep isn't close for either of them - he's exhausted, but he doesn't want to drift away right now, not fully. Wants to keep existing in this moment rather than dozing off. And after a long time, once everything is dark and quiet outside, long past the time where anyone else is even still awake, Sam softly asks: ]
How are you doing? Really, I mean.
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[ Steve's been holding himself together for five years. He's carried the guilt, the blame, and anger at Thanos for five years. He's so damn tired. ]
Everything feels heavier. [ He's carried so much for years and now he's really feeling the weight of it. How do you let down the world so much and then ask to stop? Steve doesn't know but he really wants to stop. Let someone else handle it all for awhile. ]
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But they were both closer still to Steve, and Steve carries five years on top of all of that. It doesn't make Sam's grief feel wrong, but it means he can't begin to fathom how this must be sitting on Steve's shoulders right now. Shit, Sam would bet anything that Steve has has blamed himself and then some for losing half the universe. And there's no way to tell Steve not to shoulder it, because damnit, Sam would put it on his own shoulders if the roles were reversed, too. ]
Ain't gonna let you carry it alone. [ Sam slides a hand into Steve's hair and gently brings his face closer, forehead to forehead. ] After the Raft, you made sure I took it easy. Let me do the same for you.
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[ No one person can carry this. No one person can fix it all either. It's going to take everyone that's left to put the world back to right. ]
This helps. Having you back. I can't... I missed you so much. I feel better having you back. [ It's like having Bucky back in a way. A piece of himself was gone when Sam went away and now he's back. That part that keeps him steady and focused. The part that makes him laugh and smile. ] I can keep going as long as you're with me.
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[ him, and bucky once more, and half the universe on top. It's unimaginable. And Sam will do what he can to ensure the weight on Steve's shoulders becomes lighter now. As light as Sam can possibly make it for him. ]
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[ Steve really thinks maybe if he hadn't caused the Avengers to split they could've done something, they could've stopped Thanos. But he'll never know for sure because that's not what happened. ]
Don't apologize.
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[ Many ifs, buts and maybes contributed to where things fell. Sam doesn't like playing blame games with the past about complicated situations that no one person is solely responsible for. He also knows that Steve will still put it on his own shoulders regardless.
Sam leans in, pressing a sweet kiss to Steve's lips. Wishes he wasn't among the losses Steve had to shoulder and mourn. ]
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It's nice of Sam to say that because that's what he does. Sam offers comfort and reason. He's a good man like that. Now's not the time.
He kisses him back instead of saying anything. Best to let actions speak instead of words. He has Sam back, that's more important than his past mistakes. ]
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For a while, this is all they do. Soft kisses in the dark, unhurried and sweet. Sam's in no rush, but he whispers against Steve's lips: ]
Steve... do you want to come closer?
[ They're already chest to chest and in each other's arms. Only way way to get closer from there. ]
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[ He's not entirely sure what Sam means. They're pretty close already. How can they get closer?
Steve's going to need Sam to be more straight forward. All the kisses are enough for him. This is all he needs tonight. ]
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I was asking if you would like to sleep with me, Steve.
[ He cups and strokes Steve's cheek, eyes warm and bright. ]
We don't gotta. But we could.
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[ Oh God, Steve feels stupid. He's blushing a little. Of course that's what Sam meant. That makes so much sense now. How did he ever get this man to think he's worth all the trouble he put him through? ]
Um, do we have what we need for that? [ Because while he's never done it, Steve was in the Army. He heard things. And he's not stupid. The logistics are easy enough to figure out. ]
You know I don't know what I'm doing.
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We do.
[ Not that penetration is necessary for sex, but that's a detailed conversation to have another time. ]
And I know. [ Sam slides a hand into Steve's, laces their fingers together. ] Would you like to learn? It's just you and me. Comfortable.
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I don't want anyone else to show me. [ He squeezes Sam's hand. ] And you know I trust you. You wouldn't steer me wrong.
[ He'll learn at Sam's hands with his careful guidance. Steve has no fear when he's in such capable hands. ]
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[ Sam kisses him again, gentle, sweet. ]
Have you ever thought about it? About what you might like to do, or have done to you?
[ No wrong answers, and Sam's hand is moving in slow, steady strokes up and down Steve's chest and sides before dipping lower. Sam keeps his eyes on Steve's face. ]
I'd like to touch you, Steve.
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You can touch me. [ Steve leans in and steals a kiss before he lays back and kicks the blankets down. He offers up his own body for Sam to explore however he wants. ] Whatever you want, Sam.
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I want to make you feel good. You can tell me what feels nice and what doesn't as you feel it, yeah?
[ his touch leads his kisses then. Neck and shoulders. Clavicle. The valley between strong pecs, the hardening nipples. Slow and without hurry, giving Steve plenty of time to feel and enjoy. And giving him time to learn what he could do to sam in turn, once they get there. Sam looks up at him, brown eyes dark as his hands lead the way further down, followed by his mouth, trailing slowly down Steve's abs. ]
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[ Sam's hands are broad and they're rough with a few callouses from holding the wings. They feel different from anyone who's ever touched him before. He turns into each touch, each press of Sam's lips against his body.
Yeah, he's a little nervous but that's not a bad thing. There's more eagerness, more need that he feels. He wants Sam just as much as Sam wants him and who gives a damn if maybe he'll fumble when it's his turn to explore Sam's body?
He pets his hand across Sam's shoulders as the man gets lower and lower, harder to touch but Steve's not going to stop him when he's got a pretty good idea of where he's going and why. ]