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Sam Wilson | Captain America ([personal profile] unclesam) wrote2021-08-30 05:43 am

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imperfectsoldier: (pic#17500746)

[personal profile] imperfectsoldier 2026-01-19 02:48 am (UTC)(link)
Steve really, really, hates when Sam does that.

Sam has always done that, almost from the minute we met. Seen through Captain America and seen Steve, in a way that knocks down the mask and appearance of being unshakably steady to... a Guy from Brooklyn.

He also hates it because he knows damn well part of what Sam does with it - and why - is to avoid dealing with his own shit. Which is why Steve is studying Sam back, both verifying that he's here, and wondering just how damn awful it is to come back to what he came back to. All of it - losses and family and his own existence erased like it never mattered, and how the hell anyone handles that.

Partially because he's Steve, and this is Sam and he cares a hell of a lot - mostly that. Also a little so Steve doesn't have to think about much more than the fact that Sam is here.

"Yeah. Sorry. Peak physical condition doesn't seem to care about my hairline." It's a joke, offhand and barely paying attention to what he's saying, but brushing off the too accurate observations behind it. He wants to cry, but he's just... not. Instead he reaches up, hand opposite Sam's and hand on Sam's shoulder and kisses him.

Fast, but hard and with teeth. Too fast, too brief and too sharp. Not desperate, more brittle. "That was five years overdue." He's not apologizing. Won't. Whatever Sam does with it.
imperfectsoldier: (pic#17500702)

[personal profile] imperfectsoldier 2026-01-19 03:45 am (UTC)(link)
Whatever Steve expected - and even after all this time, all the mental wondering, all the even tactical genius and what-ifs - it wasn't this.

He's almost surprised Sam is still real, solid, alive and there.

His own reaction isn't anything particularly dramatic. He takes the permission to give it, but all he really does is pivot them around so Sam's back is to the door, let go of Sam's shoulder so both his hands are braced on the door at about the level of Sam's ribcage so the 'catch' can become literal at any given moment it needs to. Physically, literally, supportive even if Sam's knees stay solid.

Then drops his forehead down against the door beside Sam, and closes his eyes. "Did you call Sarah?"
imperfectsoldier: (pic#17476747)

[personal profile] imperfectsoldier 2026-01-19 01:22 pm (UTC)(link)
"Okay."

That's acknowledgement that Sam's taken care of letting his family know he's back and there's a plan to go back. It's also recognition of what Sam's asking for, and an intent on Steve's part to give it to him.

It's a lot of ground for one, small word to cover.

Steve spends a second or two using the sound of Sam's heart, the warmth and weight of Sam's hands against his chest and even (especially) that gentle nudge against his jaw to get himself grounded in the now. To breathe past the pressure in his chest, until it eases off.

It's barely a couple of seconds before he lifts his head, opens his eyes and meets Sam's and smiles, faint and fast, and kisses him again. Slower, deeper, less brittle edges, more warmth - more Steve. Say what you want about the man, he knows how to kiss. Teeth, tongue, and breath, gratitude and love and just... everything Steve is, and everything he has.

Edited 2026-01-19 13:35 (UTC)
imperfectsoldier: (pic#17460816)

[personal profile] imperfectsoldier 2026-01-19 06:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Steve is steady, patient, and present while Sam settles under his hands and against that wall. He's fine - in the fragile space of the moment and confines of a shitty hotel room, just like ones he spent years of nights in with Sam, before it all went straight to hell.

He can feel pressure just outside this specific bubble of time and place, just as surely and physically as he can feel the serum trying to finish the job of healing him without enough food, sleep or even blood in his veins.

This isn't over for him. Not even the abstract and long work of trying to put the world back together and take care of all the people who need it, but immediately. He has to get through Tony's funeral and seeing Tony's daughter. Then he has to get those stones buried back in the past. He doesn't particularly want to and there's a sense of... finality surrounding it that borders on ominous.

It needs to be done. He wants it done, and he is absolutely going to be who does it.

And he's got it pushed solidly enough outside the moment and to the back of his mind that he can have this and be here now. Once Sam settles, once he feels (and hears, and truthfully can even smell) that shift, he pulls slowly back. Puts a hand on Sam's jaw while he does, and then brushes a thumb over his lower lip.

"Let's maybe get this to a bed. I'll be there as soon as my boots are off." And coat.
Edited 2026-01-19 19:13 (UTC)
imperfectsoldier: (pic#17460815)

[personal profile] imperfectsoldier 2026-01-19 08:20 pm (UTC)(link)
Steve... actually laughs in response to the question. Not mockingly, and not embarrassed, but because Sam is actually one of two or three people who know him well enough to think to ask.

And that's a strange kind of relief.

"I've had some sex in the past five years, but not a lot and it was all with a woman." He will elaborate if he has to, but he's not exactly sounding light and airy in spite of that laugh.

Fill in those gaps, Sam.

Or don't.

Steve moves away, eyes a little more shadowed than before, but not as much as they might be, so he can get busy unlacing his boots. He doesn't like the distance, but it's necessary.
imperfectsoldier: (pic#17500702)

[personal profile] imperfectsoldier 2026-01-20 03:59 am (UTC)(link)
Steve's not hurting himself, Steve's just hurting.

You can do the math on how many lives are saved by the loss of others. You can tell someone you need them to go, very likely, die so you can prevent greater losses. You can watch your best friend plunge to their (supposed) death off the side of a moving train, feel your world stop and your heartbreak and still hold on with everything you've got, because there are other people who need you and the war isn't over. You can even give up your own life, and everyone you've known and loved and every hope of the future, to take a terrible weapon down with you.

Steve's done all of it, and in the case of the first two, he's done a lot of them.

What he knows, down to his bones is what you can't do is value one life more than another, or trade one for another.

In his mind, Nat and Tony are gone. Sam and Bucky are alive again. They didn't die to bring those two specific people back. They died for an entire world of people.

He's hurting, but he's not... replacing Nat with Sam, or causing himself more pain. He's shifting gears, trying to adapt and trying to find a way to just keep breathing in a man he loves, and has loved as surely as he has mourned his loss. Relief and gratitude, loss and pain can and do co-exist in this.

He finishes taking off his boots, leaving them neatly by the door and moves over to Sam. He settles behind him, wraps one arm around Sam's waist and kisses him, but this time on the temple.

"I know. We're both here." For however long. Neither one of them is the fuck okay, because he reads between lines and can fill in the gaps, too. "And the whales are going to be mad about it."