[ Steve brushes his thumbs back and forth against Sam's cheeks as he draws back from the kiss. He rests his forehead against Sam's. ]
I just really want to stay close to you.
[ That's the best way he can say it. Steve just wants to stay close. Whatever that leads to. Whatever that means to Sam. It means something romantic but he understands that might not be something Sam's ready for right now.
Even though he did just kiss him back.
As long as Steve can stay close, that's all that matters. He only needs to stay close and have Sam near. ]
[ Sam nods, enjoying the physical closeness. Forehead to forehead, just breathing together. The way Steve cradles his face like Sam is oh so precious. ]
I want to stay close to you, too.
[ A small, soft kiss, so chaste it's barely there. ]
Tonight. Tomorrow.
[ He swallows, emotion catching up for a moment. ]
I didn't want to assume that after five years... that you still wanted to go where we were heading before. [ A beat, and just in case it wasn't clear enough: ] I do. I want you closer.
Sam. [ There's a brief hint of a smile. ] It's not like I'm really good at moving on once I get feelings for someone.
[ Okay, he coached a lot of people through but Steve never took that advice himself. He just couldn't bring himself to. It felt weirdly like a betrayal. Like he was letting Sam down somehow.
And here they are, five years later. Steve's feelings are just as strong, just as certain as before. ]
[ There's a touch of sadness to the smile that tugs on Sam's lips - because it's true, Steve is not good at moving on, at letting go. At least, not like this. Breaks Sam's heart a bit - and makes him feel loved in a strange, impossible way. To know that he was grieved. To know that affections for him persisted that deeply.
Love, whispers a small voice at the back of his mind. Early to name it only if you shy away from a very obvious truth.
The melancholy fades at Steve's next words, leaving Sam's smile sweet and perhaps just a little suggestive. ]
How 'bout the closest we could be? [ Another soft kiss. ] Come to bed with me, Steve.
Yeah, yeah, just... just let me have a quick shower. [ Because he's still carrying the battlefield with him. He's definitely dirty and sweaty and not really in any state to sleep next to anyone except back on that battlefield.
But they're not roughing it in the field. Steve can clean up. Sam cleaned up. Clearly, he's got to give the same attention. ]
Three minutes. Army special. [ A cold quick shower might actually clear Steve's head. And a clear head might be a double edged sword of letting the nerves build. ] Just wait for me, okay?
[ They can climb into bed together. If Sam waits. ]
[ a firm nod. ] well got time. You don't gotta rush quite so bad. I'll be right here.
[ he wants to offer to join Steve, but Sam has a suspicion they won'tmake it out of the shower for way too long a time if he does. That's a plan for later though.
[ A cold shower would probably put Steve in a worse state of mind given the memories it brings back. He smiles a little at Sam's words. The man knows him well and God, Steve's missed that. ]
Not too cold.
[ He strokes his hand down Sam's arm before he ducks away and into the bathroom for the shower. He lets the water heat up while he strips down, leaving the dirty and torn Captain America uniform on the sink counter.
That's tomorrow's problem.
Right now, Steve washes up, scrubbing away dirt and dried blood. Whatever remains of Thanos is washed down the drain and Steve comes out clean.
He comes out a few minutes later with a towel wrapped around his waist. ]
[ Sam doesn't quite stay rooted to the spot where Steve left him in the meantime. He closes the curtains after a lingering glance outside, checks the nightstand, activates Redwing's good night protocol, sets his own phone to silent other than the few emergency contacts he is in there. Hesitates, then puts on some music to fill the silence. Something he knows Steve will enjoy, too, just crooning softly in the background. Sits on the edge of the bed for a moment, fidgeting with the sleeve of his bath robe.
There's a soft fluttering of nerves in him, but not unpleasant. Anticipation more than anything.
When the water shuts off, Sam gets up, moves back to where Steve and him were standing a moment ago, just so that Steve will indeed find Sam where he left him. It's more literal than his promise was intended, but he intends the gesture to be sweet. Allows himself to drink in the sight of Steve like this. Clean and in nothing but a towel. More than the appealing sight though, it's the face that Sam's eyes catch and linger on, free of battlefield grime now. ]
[ He tucks the towel securely around his waist and walks over to Sam. Steve reaches for his hand and laces their fingers together. ]
I don't know about you but I feel ready to get some rest.
[ Lying down in bed and tangling himself around Sam is all Steve's thinking about. He wants to get his arms around him and hold him close, make sure he can't go anywhere. It's a protective need. Maybe even a little possessive need.
Steve's got a lot of emotions right now but there's one thing clear in his head. Get in bed and hold Sam close. Don't let anything touch them for a few hours. Maybe they can forget the world for a few hours. ]
[ Sam can't help the little flip his stomach does when Steve laces their fingers together. The touch makes things feel more real than the kisses did. Is that weird? Maybe. It just grounds him. Makes him look at his hand in Steve's and not think about how he watched his fingertips crumble to ash and dust and nothing.
Sam tugs Steve towards the bed, gets in first and lets Steve get in after, lets him become a wall between Sam and the rest of the world. Only thing Sam needs right now is to be able to still see Steve - chest to chest, not spooning, not right now. So Sam tucks himself against Steve's chest, lets the few inches Steve has on him do a lot of heavy lifting here. Sam's not delicate by any means, but there's a sense of feeling guarded and safe right here for him. ]
[ Steve wraps himself around Sam under the covers holding him up against his chest, an arm firmly around his back. He nuzzles into Sam's hair and takes a deep breath. Tension simply bleeds out of him. ]
This is good.
[ This is exactly what he needs.
He can feel Sam's breath against his skin. He's warm and whole in his arms. It's hard to believe it has been five years since he could touch him like this. ]
[ Sam's face is tucked against Steve's neck, soft puffs off breath over this pulse. He can feel Steve breathe him in, and it makes his chest feel tight and warm. ]
You can hold on a little tighter, if you'd like.
[ Sam stops himself, swallows. Then adds, a little more quietly: ]
I think... I'd like that.
[ And maybe, just maybe, after saying that, he tucks himself a little closer, too. Lets Steve hold him more - allows himself to be fully held, too.
He's alive. And so is Steve, no longer a lone figure facing an army. The scariest thing Sam's seen in a long time, other than his own body crumbling away, and Riley falling. ]
[ Sam doesn't have to say anything else. He tightens his hold on him making sure Sam is well pressed against him. He even tries to tangle their legs together under the blankets to make sure Sam feels like he's safe and secure.
Of course Steve went to face Thanos alone. He had to. It's what he does. He'll probably have to do it again in the future. The future they're not going to think about tonight.
There is just them and right now and that's it. That's all that matters in the world right now. ]
[ Sam would be a hypocrite to wish Steve wouldn't do things like that - especially when Sam knows damn wall he'd do the same, come hell or high water. It's a little scary to know they're both like that - and yet it's comforting, too. Feels like flying with a wingman again, even if Steve doesn't have wings.
They lie curled together for a long time, forgetting the world outside. Sam can't erase five years of grief in one night, but he can make sure Steve gets to drink his fill of holding Sam tight, of hopefully feeling like nothing and nobody can take Sam away from Steve again.
For the longest time, they just breathe and rest, soaking up each other in this space. Sam suspects sleep isn't close for either of them - he's exhausted, but he doesn't want to drift away right now, not fully. Wants to keep existing in this moment rather than dozing off. And after a long time, once everything is dark and quiet outside, long past the time where anyone else is even still awake, Sam softly asks: ]
Two of my best friends are dead. The whole world needs to be put back together. I'm... I'm tired.
[ Steve's been holding himself together for five years. He's carried the guilt, the blame, and anger at Thanos for five years. He's so damn tired. ]
Everything feels heavier. [ He's carried so much for years and now he's really feeling the weight of it. How do you let down the world so much and then ask to stop? Steve doesn't know but he really wants to stop. Let someone else handle it all for awhile. ]
[ Sam blinks a few times, hard. Ends up having to turn his head a little to make sure the tears don't spill. He was never that close to Tony, but they were, for what it's worth, team mates. Natasha, on the other hand... that one hurts. Hurts worse, in a way, because from what Sam's gathered it happened to bring everyone back, but before they were. For him, it's been less then 24 hours since Natasha had made them all coffee in a shitty safe house before they took the quinjet, 'cause Wanda had missed her check-in window...
But they were both closer still to Steve, and Steve carries five years on top of all of that. It doesn't make Sam's grief feel wrong, but it means he can't begin to fathom how this must be sitting on Steve's shoulders right now. Shit, Sam would bet anything that Steve has has blamed himself and then some for losing half the universe. And there's no way to tell Steve not to shoulder it, because damnit, Sam would put it on his own shoulders if the roles were reversed, too. ]
Ain't gonna let you carry it alone. [ Sam slides a hand into Steve's hair and gently brings his face closer, forehead to forehead. ] After the Raft, you made sure I took it easy. Let me do the same for you.
[ No one person can carry this. No one person can fix it all either. It's going to take everyone that's left to put the world back to right. ]
This helps. Having you back. I can't... I missed you so much. I feel better having you back. [ It's like having Bucky back in a way. A piece of himself was gone when Sam went away and now he's back. That part that keeps him steady and focused. The part that makes him laugh and smile. ] I can keep going as long as you're with me.
I know it ain't on me to be sorry or anything, but... I'm still sorry. That you had to grieve me.
[ him, and bucky once more, and half the universe on top. It's unimaginable. And Sam will do what he can to ensure the weight on Steve's shoulders becomes lighter now. As light as Sam can possibly make it for him. ]
[ Steve really thinks maybe if he hadn't caused the Avengers to split they could've done something, they could've stopped Thanos. But he'll never know for sure because that's not what happened. ]
You're right. But neither were you, and I know you still suffered.
[ Many ifs, buts and maybes contributed to where things fell. Sam doesn't like playing blame games with the past about complicated situations that no one person is solely responsible for. He also knows that Steve will still put it on his own shoulders regardless.
Sam leans in, pressing a sweet kiss to Steve's lips. Wishes he wasn't among the losses Steve had to shoulder and mourn. ]
[ Steve doesn't want to argue. He doesn't. Which is why he doesn't point out how it is partially his fault. All the ways he's had five years to think about how he screwed up. What he could've done differently in the past to avoid this.
It's nice of Sam to say that because that's what he does. Sam offers comfort and reason. He's a good man like that. Now's not the time.
He kisses him back instead of saying anything. Best to let actions speak instead of words. He has Sam back, that's more important than his past mistakes. ]
[ No arguing is a good plan. Sam doesn't want that. He just wants to make sure Steve hears things that are true, even if he can't believe them now - or maybe ever.
For a while, this is all they do. Soft kisses in the dark, unhurried and sweet. Sam's in no rush, but he whispers against Steve's lips: ]
Steve... do you want to come closer?
[ They're already chest to chest and in each other's arms. Only way way to get closer from there. ]
[ Oh God, Steve feels stupid. He's blushing a little. Of course that's what Sam meant. That makes so much sense now. How did he ever get this man to think he's worth all the trouble he put him through? ]
Um, do we have what we need for that? [ Because while he's never done it, Steve was in the Army. He heard things. And he's not stupid. The logistics are easy enough to figure out. ]
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I just really want to stay close to you.
[ That's the best way he can say it. Steve just wants to stay close. Whatever that leads to. Whatever that means to Sam. It means something romantic but he understands that might not be something Sam's ready for right now.
Even though he did just kiss him back.
As long as Steve can stay close, that's all that matters. He only needs to stay close and have Sam near. ]
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I want to stay close to you, too.
[ A small, soft kiss, so chaste it's barely there. ]
Tonight. Tomorrow.
[ He swallows, emotion catching up for a moment. ]
I didn't want to assume that after five years... that you still wanted to go where we were heading before. [ A beat, and just in case it wasn't clear enough: ] I do. I want you closer.
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[ Okay, he coached a lot of people through but Steve never took that advice himself. He just couldn't bring himself to. It felt weirdly like a betrayal. Like he was letting Sam down somehow.
And here they are, five years later. Steve's feelings are just as strong, just as certain as before. ]
Closer is good. However close you want to get.
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Love, whispers a small voice at the back of his mind. Early to name it only if you shy away from a very obvious truth.
The melancholy fades at Steve's next words, leaving Sam's smile sweet and perhaps just a little suggestive. ]
How 'bout the closest we could be? [ Another soft kiss. ] Come to bed with me, Steve.
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But they're not roughing it in the field. Steve can clean up. Sam cleaned up. Clearly, he's got to give the same attention. ]
Three minutes. Army special. [ A cold quick shower might actually clear Steve's head. And a clear head might be a double edged sword of letting the nerves build. ] Just wait for me, okay?
[ They can climb into bed together. If Sam waits. ]
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[ he wants to offer to join Steve, but Sam has a suspicion they won'tmake it out of the shower for way too long a time if he does. That's a plan for later though.
His smile deepens. ]
And not too cold.
[ He has to tease a little, doesn't he. ]
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Not too cold.
[ He strokes his hand down Sam's arm before he ducks away and into the bathroom for the shower. He lets the water heat up while he strips down, leaving the dirty and torn Captain America uniform on the sink counter.
That's tomorrow's problem.
Right now, Steve washes up, scrubbing away dirt and dried blood. Whatever remains of Thanos is washed down the drain and Steve comes out clean.
He comes out a few minutes later with a towel wrapped around his waist. ]
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There's a soft fluttering of nerves in him, but not unpleasant. Anticipation more than anything.
When the water shuts off, Sam gets up, moves back to where Steve and him were standing a moment ago, just so that Steve will indeed find Sam where he left him. It's more literal than his promise was intended, but he intends the gesture to be sweet. Allows himself to drink in the sight of Steve like this. Clean and in nothing but a towel. More than the appealing sight though, it's the face that Sam's eyes catch and linger on, free of battlefield grime now. ]
There you are.
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Yeah, there you are.
[ He tucks the towel securely around his waist and walks over to Sam. Steve reaches for his hand and laces their fingers together. ]
I don't know about you but I feel ready to get some rest.
[ Lying down in bed and tangling himself around Sam is all Steve's thinking about. He wants to get his arms around him and hold him close, make sure he can't go anywhere. It's a protective need. Maybe even a little possessive need.
Steve's got a lot of emotions right now but there's one thing clear in his head. Get in bed and hold Sam close. Don't let anything touch them for a few hours. Maybe they can forget the world for a few hours. ]
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Sam tugs Steve towards the bed, gets in first and lets Steve get in after, lets him become a wall between Sam and the rest of the world. Only thing Sam needs right now is to be able to still see Steve - chest to chest, not spooning, not right now. So Sam tucks himself against Steve's chest, lets the few inches Steve has on him do a lot of heavy lifting here. Sam's not delicate by any means, but there's a sense of feeling guarded and safe right here for him. ]
This good?
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This is good.
[ This is exactly what he needs.
He can feel Sam's breath against his skin. He's warm and whole in his arms. It's hard to believe it has been five years since he could touch him like this. ]
Yeah, this is great.
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You can hold on a little tighter, if you'd like.
[ Sam stops himself, swallows. Then adds, a little more quietly: ]
I think... I'd like that.
[ And maybe, just maybe, after saying that, he tucks himself a little closer, too. Lets Steve hold him more - allows himself to be fully held, too.
He's alive. And so is Steve, no longer a lone figure facing an army. The scariest thing Sam's seen in a long time, other than his own body crumbling away, and Riley falling. ]
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Of course Steve went to face Thanos alone. He had to. It's what he does. He'll probably have to do it again in the future. The future they're not going to think about tonight.
There is just them and right now and that's it. That's all that matters in the world right now. ]
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They lie curled together for a long time, forgetting the world outside. Sam can't erase five years of grief in one night, but he can make sure Steve gets to drink his fill of holding Sam tight, of hopefully feeling like nothing and nobody can take Sam away from Steve again.
For the longest time, they just breathe and rest, soaking up each other in this space. Sam suspects sleep isn't close for either of them - he's exhausted, but he doesn't want to drift away right now, not fully. Wants to keep existing in this moment rather than dozing off. And after a long time, once everything is dark and quiet outside, long past the time where anyone else is even still awake, Sam softly asks: ]
How are you doing? Really, I mean.
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[ Steve's been holding himself together for five years. He's carried the guilt, the blame, and anger at Thanos for five years. He's so damn tired. ]
Everything feels heavier. [ He's carried so much for years and now he's really feeling the weight of it. How do you let down the world so much and then ask to stop? Steve doesn't know but he really wants to stop. Let someone else handle it all for awhile. ]
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But they were both closer still to Steve, and Steve carries five years on top of all of that. It doesn't make Sam's grief feel wrong, but it means he can't begin to fathom how this must be sitting on Steve's shoulders right now. Shit, Sam would bet anything that Steve has has blamed himself and then some for losing half the universe. And there's no way to tell Steve not to shoulder it, because damnit, Sam would put it on his own shoulders if the roles were reversed, too. ]
Ain't gonna let you carry it alone. [ Sam slides a hand into Steve's hair and gently brings his face closer, forehead to forehead. ] After the Raft, you made sure I took it easy. Let me do the same for you.
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[ No one person can carry this. No one person can fix it all either. It's going to take everyone that's left to put the world back to right. ]
This helps. Having you back. I can't... I missed you so much. I feel better having you back. [ It's like having Bucky back in a way. A piece of himself was gone when Sam went away and now he's back. That part that keeps him steady and focused. The part that makes him laugh and smile. ] I can keep going as long as you're with me.
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[ him, and bucky once more, and half the universe on top. It's unimaginable. And Sam will do what he can to ensure the weight on Steve's shoulders becomes lighter now. As light as Sam can possibly make it for him. ]
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[ Steve really thinks maybe if he hadn't caused the Avengers to split they could've done something, they could've stopped Thanos. But he'll never know for sure because that's not what happened. ]
Don't apologize.
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[ Many ifs, buts and maybes contributed to where things fell. Sam doesn't like playing blame games with the past about complicated situations that no one person is solely responsible for. He also knows that Steve will still put it on his own shoulders regardless.
Sam leans in, pressing a sweet kiss to Steve's lips. Wishes he wasn't among the losses Steve had to shoulder and mourn. ]
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It's nice of Sam to say that because that's what he does. Sam offers comfort and reason. He's a good man like that. Now's not the time.
He kisses him back instead of saying anything. Best to let actions speak instead of words. He has Sam back, that's more important than his past mistakes. ]
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For a while, this is all they do. Soft kisses in the dark, unhurried and sweet. Sam's in no rush, but he whispers against Steve's lips: ]
Steve... do you want to come closer?
[ They're already chest to chest and in each other's arms. Only way way to get closer from there. ]
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[ He's not entirely sure what Sam means. They're pretty close already. How can they get closer?
Steve's going to need Sam to be more straight forward. All the kisses are enough for him. This is all he needs tonight. ]
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I was asking if you would like to sleep with me, Steve.
[ He cups and strokes Steve's cheek, eyes warm and bright. ]
We don't gotta. But we could.
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[ Oh God, Steve feels stupid. He's blushing a little. Of course that's what Sam meant. That makes so much sense now. How did he ever get this man to think he's worth all the trouble he put him through? ]
Um, do we have what we need for that? [ Because while he's never done it, Steve was in the Army. He heard things. And he's not stupid. The logistics are easy enough to figure out. ]
You know I don't know what I'm doing.
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